The following are suggestions on a shared Google doc:

You wrote an excellent first-draft essay. What you don't discuss clearly, though, which to me could be the heart of your personal statement, is *how* your transformation took place and you developed discipline, motivation, proactivity, the opposite of procrastination--whatever you might want to call your superpower. Briefly mentioning an exercise that you happened to bump into online leaves out a convincing story of metamorphosis. If you agree, don't worry about exceeding the word limit. We'll figure out later how to whittle down the essay by eliminating content that isn't essential.

 

It's difficult to follow your train of thought in transitioning from the previous two sentences. Try to word more carefully.

 

Considered weak vocabulary. Here and elsewhere, aim for a word that's more meaningful, such as "passable", "acceptable", etc.

 

Based on a single read, this is a really interesting response, and the writing here is superior to your other essays. A first point: It's confusing that you're presenting, as requested, your own group of threes, but you frame it in four labeled steps.

 

Everything you say here applies to just about any selective college. You need to research the school's website and discuss "special" aspects of the university that appeal to you (specific programs, professor[s], traditions, etc.) plus why they're a good fit for you. If you happen to know anyone who already attends or attended, ask them what's unique about the school. Trustworthy online forums (maybe comments on niche.com) could provide useful info.

 

I completely understand the frustration of doing group projects with peers who don't pull their own weight, but if you decide to include this in your response, put a positive spin on it, i.e., instead of mentioning "intolerable people", talk about looking forward to the opportunity of collaborating with serious, like-minded students.

 

I'm not sure that you answer the prompt as it intends. What you talk about (which *is* meaningful to know about you and could appear elsewhere in your application) is *how* you learn, as opposed to "an idea or experience that makes you genuinely excited about learning". Or is what excites you the systematic method itself that you developed? If that's the case, you need to clarify accordingly.

 

It's not apparent what you mean by "the recording of information" in sentence one, and "being productive" in the second sentence sounds repetitive. Would it make sense to delete "productivity" from the list of five and replace it with something else while keeping it in sentence two? Which sounds better: "it's all revolved around" or "it all revolves around"? Grammar: "results...helps" or "results...help"?

 

Think more about how the prompt is worded. Your reply needs to make a clearer connection between what you discuss and how those aspects of your experience/interests/character would play a role in your contribution to the university.

 

I think that your response here would significantly improve if your second-to-last sentence opens the essay. Try it and let me know if you agree.

 

Don't repeat "see" with "seen", and explain how, by observing him for a day, you'd be able to learn how Mr. da Vinci increased his efficiency. Or perhaps change the wording, "how he was able to increase his efficiency" so that what you say following that sounds plausible. In any event, I love the gist of your answer :-)

 

This is a thoughtful response that makes good sense to me, and it aligns with your Common App essay draft. But it seems to be a "first-world" problem for the "haves". What about those less fortunate who are also members of society? Is there a challenge that comes closer to affecting, in a direct way, them as well?

 

Nice response! You can delete "I spent the last two summers" and change "doing" to "I did" to save five words. More accurate vocabulary than "made"? By the way, a website such as thesaurus.com really helps with word choices.